


One More Light

by ne_yo_na_495



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dancing, Depression, Depression Medication, Everybody Lives, F/M, Implied Fucking for the Cause, Injured Jyn, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Swimming, Takadona, contemplating suicide, successful mission
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-07 17:26:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13439667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ne_yo_na_495/pseuds/ne_yo_na_495
Summary: “Maybe we can cheer her up, like get her out more - ““ - No, she’s depressed. If she could cheer up, she would have already. We can’t just cheer her up. Going out helps, it’s just . . . depressed is like, pathways in the mind, or chemicals in the mind break or don’t work well. It’s like she’s trying to be ok, and her brain short circuits somewhere along the way.”Jyn falls into an acute depression, hopefully there will be help. She has a big adventure featuring Chewbacca as well.I was listening to Linkin Parks’ One More Light, and I’m suicidal off my meds (that’s usually how I figure out I forgot to take them, when I can’t stop thinking I should be dead), so . . . I wrote this.





	1. Chapter 1

6.5 months after Scarif

“How long will you two be away for?” Jyn asks Churrit and Baze as she limps over to them. She hopes she just sounds curious but some desperation leaks through. 

“We’ll be away for 13 days.” Replies Baze. “When we get back, you, me, Sabacc. Bring something worth betting little sister, you know I’m really good at that game.” He adds on a faux serious tone. He isn’t actually, he’s terrible at Sabacc. He just wants her to have a solid event to look forward to because he wants her there when he returns. Most of her smiles don’t reach her eyes anymore and he’s worried.

“I’m the best at Sabacc and I look forward to beating both of you.” Boasts Churrit. He’s better than Baze, but not better than Jyn. He wants her to look forward to beating them. He only feels real happiness from her when she’s with other people, and even then, he feels it less and less.

“We’re meeting up briefly with Cassian, Kaytoo, Bohdi, Pao, and Rodma, but they’ll be back 4 days before us. We should get Cassian to play too. We can gang up on him.” Adds Churrit. Cassian is good at Sabacc, though Jyn’s still better at it. Bohdi is the best. It’s fun playing with him because he’s suddenly confident Bohdi.

Jyn winces slightly. She’s in love with Cassian, but it’s like they’re in different worlds. She finds it increasingly painful to be around him. He’s out on missions, she’s stuck on base. He’s not the most popular guy in the Alliance, but he has friends other than just Baze, Churrit, Bohdi, Kaytoo, and her. He’s been in the Rebellion for years and and years. She doesn’t feel like she fits in with her friends as much either, they go on missions without her now. She’s becoming even more of an outsider. Cassian has inside jokes with others, and his friends seem so smart and sophisticated compared to her. She feels like a poser when she tries to fit in, and eventually she started avoiding hanging out with the group he and the rest of Rogue One was part of. She decided he’s better off without her, they’re all better off without her. “Yeah, we should totally do that.” She says with a smile that isn’t exactly fake, just half hearted. 

“Jyn,” Churrit puts his hand on her shoulder, and squeezes it gently. “Be here when we get back. We want you in our lives. Do you understand?”

“I understand.” It’s reflexive. She doesn’t understand. She’s weighing them down isn’t she. They go out and do big things and humor her when they return. 

Sometimes, in these moments, when her mind runs and runs, she realizes briefly how much her thinking has changed. They keep saying they enjoy her company, so it’s absurd for her to insist to herself that’s they don’t. It wasn’t always like this. Why have I changed? Something’s gone wrong, something’s wrong with me. What changed?

“See you soon little sister.” Baze kisses her head, and they leave for their mission.

“Do you think she’s ok?” Baze asks Churrit.

“No.” He replies. “But I she’ll be here when we return.”

She isn’t. When they return, she’s on a flagship in surgery.

. . .

On Scarif 

Imperial Troopers on the ground have realized the Death Star is coming and that they haven’t been evacuated, and won’t be evacuated. The Empire doesn’t value their sacrifice at all. There is no reason to have them fight the rebels on the ground when the Death Star is there. Once the word defection leaves one set of lips, it becomes a tidal wave through the ranks. The rebels are in the middle of a mass defection when Jyn and Cassian leave the Citadel.

“They’re using that thing on this planet, and they didn’t even try to get any of us out of here first. They don’t need us fighting here and that thing, so they just don’t give a fuck about us. We’re here, we signed up to give our lives for them, and they don’t value that at all. We’re that worthless to them. I say we join the Rebellion. My life has some value, yours does as well.” Says one soldier.

“I’m not joining anything. I’m leaving. You can join them, I won’t stop you.” Says another.

“Goodbye brother.” Says the first.

“Goodbye sister.” Says the second.

Bistan finds Jyn and Cassian and leads them to a ship. Baze has just arrived with a broken Kaytoo, and Cassian is grateful and simultaneously devastated.

He and Jyn are in rough shape. Jyn saw Cassian fall. It broke her heart, but she’s had to keep climbing. Cassian did not see her thrown off the platform after an explosion, her body whipped hard, her barely hanging on before pulling herself back up. They escape on a ship commandeered by Bohdi and Rodma. Rodma, Walea, Stordan, Bistan, Pao, Bohdi, Churrit, Baze, a broken Kaytoo, Jyn, Cassian, and 14 new defectors escape together.

Kaytoo is in the worst shape of all of them, but there isn’t much to be done for him for now. Cassian is clearly in bad shape, so they stabilize him in a half medical pod. He’s awake in the open pod, but pale and tired. Most of the rebels were unharmed because the battle turned to a mass defection. Jyn stays by Cassian, talking with him, Rodma, Bistan, Stordan, and two young defectors. 

Jyn’s in pain but decides she’s fine. She’s been in worse pain before. She sits by Cassian, her Cassian. She realized she’d fallen in love with him while they were on Scarif. Thank Force he’s alive and will be ok. She wonders if he’ll fall in love with her. 

After an hour of chatting, her body decides she’s not fine, and her brain starts shutting organs down to prove it. She is already losing consciousness when it registers to her that something has gone very wrong. She doesn’t get a chance to say anything before she loses consciousness in a silent seizure.

“Whoa, hey, Jyn?” Says one of the defectors, suddenly lunging toward her. He cups her cheeks to try to corral her eyes to focus on him, or anything really. They’ve been so focused on Cassian’s vitals while talking, that no one noticed something had gone wrong with Jyn until now. “Jyn? Guys, her color doesn’t look right. Jyn, look at me, at anything, please!” Her eyes are open, but she isn’t there.

She’s been sitting silently not moving for less than a minute. She’s looking more gray-green by the second, and she isn’t responding to the trooper at all. She hasn’t been conscious for 46 seconds. She’s having seizure, you don’t have to shake while having one. Her eyes finally roll up to Thebes ceiling and she starts to shake hard.

Cassian looks at her, and he’s instantly terrified by what he sees. She looks awful, what if she dies? She can’t die now! “Jyn, Jyn!” He’s yelling, hoping for a response. Stordan, the trooper, and Rodma are already holding and moving her trying to assess her current state, trying to figure out what to do for her.

“Shit, shit, shit.” Says Rodma.

“C’mon Jyn, you’re gonna be ok, we’re gonna fix you. Just focus on our voices.” Says Stordan. He doesn’t think she can hear him, but he asks her to focus just in case she can. 

Baze heads over fast when he and Churrit realize what’s happening. When he sees her face, he forces himself not to panic. She looks bad, and he knows they can’t fix her, but they may be able to get her to someone who can. “Put her in a stasis pod quick.” He picks her up the he and Stordan get her into a medical pod while Rodma works on the settings for stasis.

She stops shaking and her vitals slow as the pod does its work. She’s covered in tubes and sensors, they go in and out and around her body.

It’s during this emergency that Cassian realizes he’s in love with Jyn Erso. Later when he reflects on what’s happened, he realizes he actually fell in love with her when she protected Kaytoo from Baze’s shoulder cannon. He just didn’t realize it until she was dying on the little escape ship.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should have gone up earlier. I’ve been really really sick (nothing catchy though), but I’ve been in a lot more physical pain than I usually am in. It’s been really hard to concentrate, on anything.

5 days after Scarif

Jyn returned in the medical pod in stasis with her organs in the midst of shutting down. The doctors, med droids, and nurses work hard to sort her out. She regains consciousness 3 days later, 5 days after Scarif.

She opens her eyes just a little. She sees Cassian is in a hover chair by her side. She can’t move. 

Why can’t I move?

”Jyn, thank Force, you’re awake.” Cassian leans over and kisses her forehead twice. He holds her hand and rubs the back of it. He can’t hug her right now, but she’s alive and she’s here! 

Jyn’s struggling, her mouth isn’t working just yet and she can’t get her arms and legs to obey her commands. “You’re ok, your arms and legs are just in medical restraints. You move a lot . . . nearly jumped off the bed. Twice. Lemme get the nurse.” He heads off to find one.

“Wait.” She says as loud as she can, which is still so quiet she’s lucky he hears her. 

He comes back. “Yes?”

I need to tell him. He needs to know. It’s important. He hates himself, but he shouldn’t, so he needs to know. And what if I don’t wake up again? He won’t know. I have to tell him, someone loves him. “I love you Cassian Andor. You’re wonderful. Remember that.” She tells him in a small tired voice. Good, he knows he’s loved. She falls asleep as she finishes the sentence.

. . .

When she wakes up later, her head feels like it’s packed with stuffing. While her eyes are still closed, she tries to remember where she is. It takes a minute. She remembers waking up in a Medbay, maybe, or on a farm? Underwater? And Cassian was next to her, and . . . . did I say I loved him in reality or a dream? 

She feels self-conscious about it now, too self-conscious to ask if it happened in reality. She felt he should know he’s a person who can be loved, but thinks now maybe she should have said it later, or said it better. 

She opens her eyes. She’s alert but her eyelids are so heavy and only half open. 

She did say I love you, and Cassian isn’t sure she remembers, and he’s not ready to say something about it just yet. They know each other very well while simultaneously hardly at all. Cassian’s next to her, though he is in a hospital bed this time. “Hi.” He says. She’s not restrained now, and he’s holding her hand.

”Hi.” She croaks, her voice small and scratchy from disuse.

”Little sister.” Baze says with great affection. He is sitting on her other side. 

“Baze.” She replies softly with a raspy voice and smiles. “What’s happened to you two?” She asks.

“You scared us, that’s what happened.” Baze replies. “We’re fine, well, mostly fine. Churrit and Cassian are still recovering. You however, you almost died. Your kidneys and intestines were damaged, they’re working fine now. Your brain started shutting your organs down on the way back from Scarif. You’ve had 3 surgeries, and two treatments in a bacta tank. Did you know something was wrong?”

She tries to remember. “No. I’ve been in worse shape . . . I didn’t realize anything was off until I started to pass out. I must have passed out before I could say anything.” She feels so groggy, like her head is so full, she feels like a stuffed tooka toy. “So, tell me, what happened to you two?”

“Surgery, bacta, surgery, bacta.” Cassian says. Then he adds quietly, “I was terrified you wouldn’t make it.”

“Sorry.”

“Jyn, don’t apologize for that.” He says softly with a small chuckle, he’s so tired. “I’m so happy, you’re awake. Churrit, Bohdi, Stordan, Bistan, Rodma, and the two new recruits we were talking to have visited, they’ll want to see you. The recruits dropped their numbers, they’re Gemma and Stevden now.”

“I like those names. Are you really gonna be ok?” She asks Cassian. She doesn’t really know his condition after bacta surgery repeat. When he fell, she thought he was dead, but she had to keep climbing anyway. 

“Yeah, I’ll be back to work soon.”

Shit, do I leave after this? I don’t have a job here. Later. I’ll figure it out later. ”How is Churrit doing?” She asks Baze.

”Better, but his lungs are still damaged. He needs a couple more breathing treatments.”

”Oh dear - “ and she falls asleep before she can ask more questions.

. . .

The next morning, she gets to deal with her other injuries. A med droid and nurse explain it all to her. She doesn’t want to talk about it afterwards because so many parts of her life that were completely outside of her control have made her path to recovery very difficult. 

Churrit, Baze, Cassian, and Bohdi visit her. “What did the med droid say?” Asks Churrit.

“Nothing much. I’m mostly fine.” She replies and puts on a bleary smile. So what if she’s drugged still? “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m getting better.” Says Churrit. “I inhaled a lot of smoke and particles on Scarif. I hadn’t meant to take up smoking.” She chuckles. Churrit doesn’t say anything about her health, but he’s worked out why she won’t recover fast.

“Little sister, what did they actually say?” Baze asks. He feels so protective of her, they’re family now.

”They said I’m fine, recovering normally. What’s happened since I was out? I don’t know much, about, any of it. Please, just tell me what’s happened.” She diverts the subject off of herself, and keeps it there.

. . .

Cassian and Baze secretly access her medical file together a little later. They know it’s a shady thing to do, but they rationalize it as ok. They’re all she had before Scarif, and they’re extremely worried. 

Jyn has a very different definition of mostly fine than Baze and Cassian. In the plus column, she had an electrical stimulation net on while she was unconscious, so her muscle tone is good, which will help. In the minus column, the last 13 years. Her chart casually mentions that her body shows signs of prolonged periods of malnourishment, of prolonged periods of extreme hard labor, and of being in many violent altercations. Since this all happened while she was supposed to be growing from a child to an adult, while she is a strong fighter and strong in many ways, her body is weak.

On Scarif, she tore ligaments and muscles, had extreme torsion applied to her hips and lower spine (which must have been when her organs were damaged), and she has micro fractures all along her right side from her ribs down to her knee. She wouldn’t have been as injured if she hadn’t lived under under such harsh conditions during her formative years. The bacta and surgeries have helped a lot, but it is as if many parts of her are a little off, and bacta can’t just fix that. The smaller injuries add up to larger mobility issues that will have to be dealt with a little at a time. She is to be given bracing, a lot of physical therapy, and may need more surgery. 

”God.” Says Cassian. “I feel like an ass, I assumed our experiences were similar, and judged her for not choosing to stay in some version of the Rebellion.” He tells Baze. 

”We shouldn’t have done this. You’re right though, you were an ass.” The expression on his face says he’s joking, but he was there when Jyn and Cassian argued on Eadu. They went through so much. “Go make it up to her.” Baze smiles. They’ll both make sure she eats more, and better. 

”Yes sir.” Cassian replies with faux seriousness. He does agree with Baze and plans to do exactly what he said. 

Baze heads off to talk to Churrit, and Cassian goes to the mess hall. He brings a meal to share with Jyn. He doesn’t talk about what he read in her medical file (or that he and Baze read it), they talk about favorite places they’ve been instead.

2 weeks after Scarif

Jyn is forced to come to terms with having very little formal education. She hadn’t expected that to come up. She survived, wasn’t that enough for these people? She wanted to go fight. She finds out the Alliance has a policy of trying to fill in the educational gaps in for those few adults who arrive with ridiculously little to no formal education. They started doing so at first because they believed everyone has the right to some sort of education. They quickly found found that those who survived so much and made their way to the Rebellion were often quite smart, and filling in some knowledge gaps made a huge difference. The Alliance gained so much more than it ever paid to teach adults like Jyn. 

Jyn and Bistan are put into classes together. She’s happy to have Bistan, and he is happy to have her. Bistan takes orders about a well as Jyn does, so they got along well, plus, she speaks his Iakaru language. 

Jyn has a growing awareness of her stunted social skills nearly every time she’s around others. She doesn’t realize that a lot of those around her, especially those in her generation, also have stunted social skills. Happy childhoods are somewhat rare under the boot of the Empire.

She is still in PT, everyday, with no end in sight. She’s currently wearing a lot of bracing on much of her right side and a little bracing on her left. She has two forearm crutches as constant companions most days, and a hover chair on the really bad days.

Cassian came back in worse physical shape (until her organs started shutting down), but he is already mostly recovered. He was discharged to active duty today, and only needs a little PT. 

He finds Jyn after a meeting with Draven. “Hey! I have an update. Our team is being relocated to a smaller base, it’s mostly an intelligence outpost. I made sure the team will be together, so you and Bistan will be coming with us even though you’re not technically on active duty. You’re both on the team when you’re active again. Churrit, Baze, Bohdi, Kaytoo, Rodma, and Pao will be with us too.” Cassian tells her. Kaytoo was almost fixed.

”Stordan?” She asks.

“Pathfinders.” He replies. She would miss him. Most of the new defectors would be pathfinders as well. 

“Oh.” She looks down while thinking. “Where is the base?” She asks.

“I’m not supposed to say, but I’ve decided you should know, it’s on Takadona.” He’s just gotten orders from General Davits Draven. Sometime between the Alliance nearly disbanding over the Death Star and so many defectors returning with the crew of Rogue One, Draven changed. He remembered why he did what he did, who he fought on behalf of, and what it meant to care for his agents and department. He was grateful to the band of misfits who went to Scarif, even though the plans were still missing. He wanted to keep Cassian with his new and old friends. Bohdi, Baze, Churrit, Kaytoo, Cassian, Jyn, Bistan, Rodma, and Pao would be an effective team. They were being assigned to the Takadona base, which specialized in aspects of intelligence gathering, analysis, and in assisting diplomats.

“I used to work there, umm where on Takadona?” Asks Jyn.

“It’s a smaller base in the Tripani regions.”

“Perfect, no one knows me there.”

“Where did you work?”

“Well, Liana worked in Maz’s Castle.”

“Holy shit! You worked for Maz?” Maz knows so many people, it would be valuable to have an in with her.

“Mmm-hmmm. I don’t think I can go there, well, it’s fine if Maz sees me, her and I are good. She’s wonderful. Anyone else there, I might be recognized, and . . . .” He gets it. 

I love Maz. Why did I ever leave her and the castle?

“So you and Maz are on good terms then?”

“Yes.”

“That’s, that’s really good.” He smiles, taking the information in. Jyn likes that he’s happy about her contact, she feels useful. She wants to feel useful. They make their way to the mess hall. Jyn’s moving as fast as she can so he won’t feel as if he’s walking slow for her. He is still walking slow for her though, and he doesn’t mind at all. He thinks she looks uncomfortable trying to go full speed. “We can slow down Jyn.” He finally says. “You’re strong, but no need to overdo it.” 

She smiles a little, “Ok.” Inside she feels a little crestfallen. She doesn’t want to be just like everyone else, but she wants to feel she fits in with this group, she wants to feel connected, and this is another thing that makes her feel she isn’t. There is a growing list of things that make her feel she doesn’t really belong her. It’s also still strange to her to think past surviving the day. 

Jyn, Baze, Churrit, Bohdi, Kaytoo, Cassian, Rodma, Bistan, and Pao are all relocated to Takadona, before the Death Star appears in sky over Yavin 4.

8 weeks after Scarif

Baze, Churrit, Bohdi, Kaytoo, Cassian, Rodma, and Pao have already gone on short missions, though only once as the full team minus Jyn and Bistan. Jyn is still only cleared for partial duty as far as medical is concerned. Because of class, she and Bistan haven’t gone on any missions. They are in classes together, and she goes to PT, and she stays on or close to base.

The Takadona base is beautiful, busy, and quiet. The Rogue One team is relieved that they were not on Yavin 4 when the Death Star arrived, and indescribably happy the plans finally turned up. 

They are also glad they are not on Hoth or living on an Alliance flagship.

Jyn still needs ongoing medical help. She still requires PT almost every day and a bit of bracing. She has a pronounced limp she’s trying to get rid of and uses either a cane or forearm crutch most days, and two forearm crutches on really bad ones. 

The PT team on the little base consists of a large muscular handsome loud very nice man named Kendo and an intense gorgeous sweet blue female Twi’lek who called herself Anni. It wasn’t her given name. She wouldn’t share that one. Jyn exercises a lot and does everything they tell her to. They see how hard Jyn works. She is getting better, but it’s slow. Jyn thinks that she should be improving faster, and it is her fault that she isn’t, that she just isn’t trying hard enough. She is definitely trying hard enough. She still feels self conscious about it.

Jyn also feels more disconnected and isolated from her new friends who are away so often now. Bistan is her friend though, and he’s fun, and always up to something. He gets restless, just like she does. 

The classes on Takadona are set up like group tutoring sessions because everyone put in them has varying small amounts education with different skills missing. 

“He wants to know what your name is.” Jyn tells a young Torgrutan woman sitting near her and Bistan in class one day.

“Kaleesh.” She answers, then she smiles, and it’s wide and unsettling, showing all her sharp teeth. “What are you two doing tonight?”

“Umm, nothing?” Replies Jyn. Kaleesh must’ve observed them enough to know her and Bistan “sneak” around a lot. She tells Bistan what Kaleesh asked. He tells her a lot in a hurry.

Jyn whispers to their new friend. “We’re going swimming tonight. You can come, but don’t tell anyone, it’s off base.” It’s not far off base. It’s also not really secret. It’s more like those who run the base decided that letting Jyn and Bistan get away with little things like swimming at night is good for Bistan and Jyn AND the base. 

They sneak away that night. Swimming and floating, both feel really good to Jyn and remind her a little of Lah’mu. She doesn’t feel slower than everyone else in the water.

“So, Jynnie-Jynna, you got no swim clothes?” Asks Kaleesh, gesturing at Jyn’s ensemble. She is swimming in a short camisole and underpants.

“No, are those swim clothes?” She asks Kaleesh. She is in tank swim top and water shorts.

“Yeah, you want me to steal you some?” 

“What?”

“Well, I can’t. I don’t know where I got them from.” She looks defeated.

Jyn laughs a little. “I like you.” She tells Kaleesh. “Bistan’s swim clothes are impressive though aren’t they? He told me what they’re made of but I don’t know what it really translates to in Basic.” She’d like to make a swimsuit and maybe some underthings out of that kind of cloth, if she ever figured out what it is. It’s opaque without being heavy, it wicks away moisture well, and dries quickly. 

“We probably shouldn’t steal his though.” Says Kaleesh, and she’s serious. Jyn surprised that Kaleesh has contemplated taking Bistan’s clothes, he would know it was her if he saw them later, they all live close together. They are also friends.

“What do you want to steal currently?” Jyn asks, sensing a theme.

“Snacks . . . and a mouse droid . . . and a hover droid.” And Kaleesh smiles wide so Jyn can see almost all her sharp teeth. They get snacks the next night. That’s when they meet Chewbacca, who is also liberating the mess hall of some snacks. 

Jyn understands Shyriiwook a little better than Iakaru, though speaking Shyriiwook outloud is very difficult for her. Chewie understands Basic quite well though. When she meets Han she decides she doesn’t like him, he’s the wrong kind of grabby, but it takes less than an hour to know she loves Chewbacca. They have a lot of fun when he’s on base. Jyn, Bistan, Kaleesh, and Chewbacca become their own little rogue club. 

Chewbacca procures a broken mouse droid and a broken hover droid which he brings them the next time he is on base.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jyn reads weird in this chapter, to the point where I thought I should say something. It’s too dissonant otherwise. She’s in a chemical depression, and her inner monologue only makes sense to her, it doesn’t make sense in reality. She’ll seem to be on a different wavelength for a few more chapters. Her friends stick with her and she’s still awesome. Wanted to give a heads up.

Sometime after Scarif

Cassian hasn’t started to doing long term deep cover again after Scarif, he isn’t ready. He isn’t sure he will ever be ready again.

He had changed since meeting Jyn, and the rest of Rogue One, and going on that suicide mission to Scarif. It was like the sun came out and life was suddenly in color. 

He had a life where he did whatever he felt he had to do for the Rebellion (including awful things), and one friend, who he programmed. Then Jyn was thrown into his path, and without realizing it at first, he immediately switched to her path instead. The starved and broken woman he was introduced to turned out to not be broken at all. She was unpredictable, strong, brave, kind, loving, and hopeful. People like Churrit, Baze, Bohdi, and himself were pulled into her orbit without very realizing it. While Kaytoo cared deeply for Cassian, being around Kaytoo and the others now forced him to see for the first time in a long time that life was beautiful. He felt awed at their lives. He realized they actually valued him as well, and maybe, just maybe his life was important to them. Maybe his life was worth something. 

When that happened he found there needed to be limits to what he would do, or he may as well be the same as the Empire. 

He enjoyed those around him, even though they were unpredictable. He decided and wanted to enjoy life too. He wasn’t leaving, he would continue to support the Rebellion, but now he couldn’t help appreciating those around him, and he loved being part of the bigger picture. He felt so alive.

14 weeks after Scarif

After a lot of work, night after night, Jyn, Bistan, and Kaleesh decide to turn the hover droid on.

“Shit, shit, shit, ow!” Says Jyn just after Kaleesh turns the little droid on. It immediately attacks Jyn, shocking her over and over, while trying to protect Bistan, apparently from Jyn. “Help! OW! Turn it, shit! Off! Please!” Jyn curls up into herself by the wall of the little workshop, there’s no where to run in the small room. Kaleesh chases and jumps for the droid, then grabs it and wrestles it down, finally turning it off.

“That . . . didn’t . . go like I thought it would.” Says Kaleesh. 

Bistan asks some questions. Kaleesh is learning more Iakaru, so she picks up some of it, Bistan also knows enough Basic to figure out some of what Kaleesh says. Kaleesh picks up the words Jyn, prison, labor, slave. Kaleesh figures he’s talking about before. Jyn’s likely been shocked by guards before. They have gleaned she’d been in prison multiple times and they are not sure, by they both suspect that she has been enslaved before. They are actually the only two who have realized she may have been a Hutt or Transdoscion slave. 

He asks Kaleesh, what do we do now? Jyn keeps gasping, just trying to breath. Her eyes are unfocused after the little droid aggressively shocked her over and over and over.

“Flarvf.” She tells them, then falls down onto her hands and knees. “Flurgh, I’ll clowflerb, yes, I’ll work harder, please.” Kaleesh and Bistan exchange a worried look. Jyn keeps looking at the floor now. 

Bistan asks Jyn where she is in his Iakaru dialect. She continues to look at the ground, still confused. He asks again. 

“Wobani sir. I’ll get back to work sir. No trouble from me sir.” She answers when he asks the second time, keeping herself in a protective position to attempt to ward off electric shocks and kicks.

In her limited Iakaru, Kaleesh tells Bistan that they should take Jyn to the mess hall, then get a nurse. Well, she says go, food place, nurse. Her thinking is that it’s bright and friendly in there and the food is probably better than prison food. They carefully take her to the mess hall, one under each of her arms. She is in a daze until Kaleesh puts food in front of her while Bistan holds her steady, staying by her side. It’s food that smells good and that doesn’t look or smell like prison rations. 

The smell brings her back. “Hey, we’re . . . this isn’t the workshop.” She tells them in a mix of Basic and Iakaru. Bistan breathes a sigh of relief, then looks at Kaleesh and points to the Medbay to say he’ll be back with a nurse. 

“Yeah, we left. You ok Jyn?” Kaleesh sits close to Jyn and rubs her back. “You called us sir, and said, you said . . . “ Confident crazy Kaleesh looks down and not confident at all, “you were in Wobani.” Kaleesh is trying not to tear up. She thinks it’s all her fault the hover droid malfunctioned and shocked Jyn. She’d turned it on. Jyn doesn’t think it’s Kaleesh’s fault, they’d worked on the droid together. 

“I’m sorry.” Replies Jyn. Fuck, I must have scared them. They’re never like this. What’s wrong with me? “I’m ok now, thank you for getting me food. What happened with the droid? I don’t really remember.” 

“It attacked ya.” Kaleesh tells her.

Bistan adds, “BZZT BZZT.” He has returned with a nurse.

Jyn says, “Huh . . . no problem. We can fix her. I think I know how to get her to stop doing that.” And Jyn gives them a half smile that she hopes shows she’s ok and that they can calm down now.

Bistan asks if it’s a good idea to try again, then Kaleesh asks, and then the nurse asks. The nurse thinks Jyn looks discombobulated. Her hair is still somewhat puffy, and her eyes aren’t focusing properly. They eat together, well, they mostly watch Jyn eat, before they all head to the Medbay to have Jyn take some tests.

Kaleesh stays with Jyn in Jyn’s room for the next two nights, wanting to be there in case Jyn has prison nightmares. She has prison, Scarif, and childhood nightmares and Kaleesh calms her every time.

It takes Jyn some time to convince them to try working on the droid again. They do two nights later. Five nights later, they turn it on, though Kaleesh tracks down and brings the same nurse along just in case.

They took most of the droids probes off, Jyn removed a portion of the original programming then added in a new patch, and Kaleesh made many small modifications to the existing code. It goes better this time and she isn’t a blindly aggressive droid this time. 

15 Weeks after Scarif

The mouse droid needs a better battery. It’s energetic and wants to do what they’ve programmed it to do, reconnaissance and extraction of whatever it is they want it to bring them (they want it to steal stuff), but it only works for an hour before requiring a long recharge. They haven’t acquired a new battery yet.

“Please Bohdi?” Asks Kaleesh. Bohdi, Cassian, and Rodma are getting their ship ready for a mission and they don’t have a lot of time. Cassian thinks he might snap at the insistent Torgrutan soon. “Can you steal us one? It’s for the droid that didn’t hurt Jyn.” 

“Wait, a droid hurt Jyn?” Asks Cassian, immediately concerned, no longer annoyed. 

“I was talking to Bohdi. You are not nice to Jyn so I was not talking to you.” She informs Cassian. 

“What are you talking about? Jyn means the world to me.” 

“She hurts when you leave, and you just keep leaving. I don’t know why she likes you so much. You don’t pay attention to her, and you give her nightmares.”

“Ok, I don’t ‘just leave,’ I definitely don’t want to hurt her, how am I giving her nightmares?

Bohdi answers. “She has dreams about the tower. You fall.” He turns to Kaleesh. “But we all have nightmares. NiJedha is annihilated in my sleep again and again. I love those I lost.” 

Kaleesh looks skeptical.

“And I will pay more attention to her.” Adds Cassian. “I never meant to neglect her. I promise I will get you whatever battery you want, please just tell me what did the other droid do to Jyn.

“Why should I trust you?” She asks him back.

Bohdi intervenes again. “Hey, Cassian loves Jyn, you trust me, and I’m telling you, you can trust him. Is she ok?”

Rodma bolsters the claim. “She might just be sad because she misses Cassian. He’s nice and they’re close. Maybe Cassian can be more communicative before missions?” 

Rodma, so smart thinks Cassian. She got to the route of a problem he didn’t know he had until now. He didn’t know he wasn’t paying enough attention to Jyn. Also, Jyn likes him, apparently more than he realized. He will be more intentional in talking with Jyn before leaving for missions from now on. He will also seek her out more. 

Kaleesh mulls it over. “Fine.” She huffs. “The hover droid shocked her a lot when we first turned it on. Jyn flashed away. The droid thought Jyn was after Bistan, which she wasn’t.” She adds the last part forcefully as if they thought Jyn probably was after Bistan. Then she looks down and wrings her hands. “We got the nurse, and food. She remembered where we were. The food smelled good so she remembered.”

“Kaleesh,” Says Rodma carefully, “Jyn is ok now. She kept working on the droids with you, and the hover droid is with her now I think. I’ve seen it following her around and helping. Was what happened scary?” Kaleesh is still clearly shaken.

“No. Yes. It was awful. She thought she was back in prison, and promised she would work harder. I nevah been ta real labor camp jail.”

Cassian puts an arm around Kaleesh’s shoulders. He says, “Me neither, well none as bad as the one we found Jyn in. Sounds like you got her back from where her mind went quickly. That’s good.” 

“Of course, she is my Jynnie.”

When they return, Cassian hands Kaleesh the have the battery she asked for.

4 months after Scarif

So far the longest Cassian, Baze, Churrit, Kaytoo, Pao, Rodma, and Bohdi are away on missions is 3 weeks.

The Rogue One crew minus Jyn and Bistan wasn’t always together on the same missions, but when they were, the missions were extremely effective. Churrit and Baze were usually the main reason the missions obtained so much intel. Sentient beings loved talking to them. This surprised Baze, but not Churrit.

Jyn hadn’t been on any of the missions so far and that bothered her . . . a lot. She tries to hide it.

When they are all on base, she feels increasingly disconnected and isolated from Rogue One. She isn’t part of their stories from their missions. She even wonders sometimes if Kaleesh, Chewbacca, and Bistan just to hangout because they feel obligated. She doesn’t wonder it often though, because if she stays in her room so she won’t “be a burden to them” (which she isn’t), Kaleesh and Bistan come and find her, then demands to know why she’s mad at them and avoiding them.

They’ve continued working on the two droids. Once the programming was on track they planned to make them work in water. 

Jyn didn’t feel she belonged. She did, she just couldn’t feel it. 

The classes and Physical Therapy made her feel especially disconnected. She had been put into classes because, while she had an enormous amount of fighting and survival skills, she had very little formal education. The Alliance felt members like her deserved some level of basic education. While it began as a program established to right an injustice, the Alliance soon realized it benefitted greatly. These students were worth their weight in kyber for what they then contributed to the Rebellion. They had been smart enough to reach the Rebellion, so filling in gaps just gave smart creatures even more tools to do spectacular things with. Still, Jyn felt so stupid, though the only person who thought Jyn was stupid, was Jyn.

She was in PT because she could still recover more mobility. It was a slow process.

She’s already started to find excuses to let her friends (other than Bistan, Kaleesh, and Chewie) enjoy themselves without her, because they would be happier without her mucking things up. That’s what she tells herself. She loves them and she’s a burden to them. The right thing to do is not be a burden to them.

They never said she was a burden. They always come find her. 

“Jyn!” It’s Bohdi. “I missed you! Wanna play Sabacc?” He just got on base, of course he wants to play Sabacc. 

“That’s ok, you don’t have to play with me. I think Bistan has plans for a walk.” 

“But, Jyn, I, I really wanted to see you. Can I come with you and Bistan?”

“You want to come with us? You’re sure?”

“Yeah, I want to see you more than I want to play Sabacc. Sabacc is just an excuse to hang out.” 

“Ok, lemme ask him what the plan is and if you can come.” She heads off to find Bistan.

Cassian and Rodma join Bohdi after they finish debriefing with command. Bohdi asks, “Has Jyn been acting strange?”

“What?” Asks Cassian.

“Well, I asked her to play Sabacc and she said no, and that’s fine, but the way she said no, I think she thought I was just asking her to play because I felt I had to. I just wanted to hang out with her, the Sabacc isn’t the important part. I asked if I could join in with whatever Bistan planned for her tonight.”

“She thinks we feel obligated to hang out with her?” Asks Cassian.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Says Bohdi.

“So what are you and Jyn going to do?” Rodma asks Bohdi.

“I think whatever Bistan has planned is what we’ll do.” Says Bohdi.

Cassian wonders if Bistan always make the plans.

Jyn returns to the three of them wanting to do whatever Bistan is planning. Bistan said they were going on a walk, but Jyn thinks he might be scouting out an area to go swimming and to test their hover droid’s added water capabilities. “Do you have anything to swim in?” 

“I thought we were going for a walk. Can Rodma and Cassian come?” Asks Bohdi.

“I think it’s a walk that might turn into a swim. Just wear swim stuff under your clothes . . . just in case. I think you can all come, I’m gonna give him a heads up though in case he and Kaleesh planned to throw me off a cliff again.”

“What?” Rodma’s eyes go wide.

“It’s ok. There was water underneath, I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“Ok, how likely are we to get thrown off a cliff?” Asks Cassian, Jyn gives him a smile that he finds a little frightening and very thrilling. He hopes for more of those sneaky smile.

. . . 

Jyn was right, mid walk Bistan sees a good place to test the hover droid, now hover and hopefully swimming droid. They stop for a swim, and he pulls the hover droid and some lights from his bag. They start to strip down, and that’s when Cassian, Bohdi, and Rodma find out Jyn isn’t exactly shy with her body, at least not at night, and she doesn’t have a swimsuit. 

“So, Jyn, you told us to get swimsuits, but you don’t have one?” Asks Rodma, trying to be careful where she looks and how she asks. She feels weird looking at her friend in her underwear. Jyn’s underthings are going to be pretty much see through when wet, and aren’t all that opaque to begin with. It’s dark out, so the fact that Bohdi and Cassian are blushing isn’t too noticeable. 

“No. Why? Is that bad?”

“No, I just, you made sure we had them, so I was surprised when you didn’t. It’s fine, it’s so beautiful out - “

“ - Too much talking!” Kaleesh says, and then the small Torgrutan (who is smaller than Jyn but extremely strong), hoists Jyn over her shoulder and runs her into the water. 

“Put me down you tiny pointy toothed psycho! Ahh!” Yells Jyn before she’s unceremoniously dropped in. 

Cassian catches up quick. “You ok?” He asks looking concerned.

“Yeah.”

“Good.” He pushes her under and swims away. 

“You! You’re gonna pay Andor!” Jyn says in a menacing voice when she comes back up. She has a big smile on her face.

“Oh am I?” He asks. “Crap, yes I am!” She catches up to him quick. She pulls him under, but he takes her with him. They wrestle for a little while, then talk about anything and everything. Cassian’s missed her so much. She’s faster than him in the water and that makes him happy. She’s missed him too. 

It was a little awkward at first because he hasn’t seen her so unclothed before, and tried to pretend he had no reaction. Maybe she isn’t bothered because it’s dark? Bistan’s lights for watching the hover droid underwater mean Cassian can see a lot, maybe more than Jyn realizes. He figures if she’s not bothered, he shouldn’t be either. Once they started talking though, he stops feeling awkward at all.

He was reminded again that while he, Bohdi, and Rodma had difficult lives and childhoods, Jyn’s was a whole other level difficult. They’ve lived on the edge where it’s often hard to survive, but her edge must have been farther away from everything else. It’s written on her body. They clearly had access to bacta for much of their lives, even though it was scarce at times, and Jyn did not. She has old scars that bacta could have healed at the time, but can’t now since they’re so old. He, Rodma, and Bohdi like so many others have beautiful bacta clear skin. He remembers Jyn’s medical file, starved, performing hard labor in her formative years, dealing with violence regularly, so maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise to see so many scars. Maybe it really was too much for her to look up at who was in charge, for her to fight the Empire when they met. She was fighting everyday for scraps of basic necessities. 

She still has on a brace. It’s printed to fit her exactly. It’s thin, and it’s made of swooping curved pieces of green metal and blue plastic. Her underwear and camisole have seen better days, but he isn’t comfortable asking if he can get her some new underthings. He doesn’t mind getting them, he’s not afraid of women’s underwear, he just doesn’t know how to ask the woman he’s fallen in love with if he can get her some new underwear. Maybe he can ask Rodma what to do. She’s smart and down to earth. Cassian’s still working on how to ask Jyn out, and if he should. 

”Dammit.” Jyn says and dives under, swimming down deep to get the hover droid. She returns to the surface with it. “Must not be completely water ready yet.”

Kaleesh growls then asks. “Think we can fix her Jynnie Jynna Jyn?”

“I think so. I thought we waterproofed her enough.” Jyn replies, looking perplexed. Bistan, Jyn, and Kaleesh drift together, leaving the water to examine the droid, all lost in thought.

Cassian follows, Bohdi and Rodma continue swimming and talking.

Cassian hasn’t dated in years, and he’s still not sure how to tell Jyn how he feels. He thinks she might be interested. 

She is in love with him, but won’t say anything to him about it since she’s convinced he’s better off without her. 

He decides to spend as much time with her as possible before his next mission. The class friends continue working on the mouse droid and hover droid Chewie brought them, so he spends time with Jyn, Kaleesh, and Bistan and works on the droids with them. Since he kept his promise and brought a good battery, Kaleesh and Bistan accept him.

5 months after Scarif 

When Chewbacca finds out Jyn knows Maz, he convinces Jyn, Kaleesh, and and Bistan that they have to go see her at her castle, now. They disguise Jyn. Her face and hands are transformed with purple and red makeup, and they disguise her eyes with blood red contacts. Chewie “borrows” the Falcon so the 4 of them can go see Chewbacca’s girlfriend. 

Han is not happy to find the Falcon gone when he gets out of the fresher, especially since he was in there for less than a minute.

When they get back a little after 0400, they get thrown in the brig for 36 hours. This side adventure was a step too far, command decides there has to be some consequences this time. It’s just Jyn, Kaleesh, and Bistan in the brig though, no one tries to put Chewbacca in. 

Baze, Churrit, Bohdi, Cassian, Rodma, Pao, and Kaytoo return from a mission few hours later.

“Your little girlfriend is a bad influence on my Wookiee. Get her under control.” Han tells them all, though he directs the comment at Cassian, as they all leave the ship. Then Han turns to leave.

“Come back here right now Solo!” Baze rumbles. Han looks back, and whatever snarky comment he was about to say dies on his tongue when he sees Baze’s face. He sheepishly walks over to Baze. “What did you say?!?”

“Your friend, Jyn, is ummm, in the brig. Bye.” Han says then leaves quickly.

“And she’s Chewie’s friend. He can make his own choices.” Baze adds.

”Cassian,” Kaytoo asks, “since Jyn is human, will she have flashbacks of Wobani?”

”Oh no.” Is Cassian’s only response before he runs to the brig. 

Jyn, Bistan, and Kaleesh look defiant and grouchy. Jyn is still purple and red with red eyes. The cell they are in is much different than her various Wobani cells, and the fresher in this one isn’t out in the open. Cassian is so relieved to see a defiant look on Jyn’s face, he seriously considers finding adventures to take her on that would get the two of them thrown in the brig just to make sure that defiant look returns more often. 

“So, how’s Maz?” Asks Cassian. Bistan and Kaleesh look like they might hit him, they are seriously pissed off. Jyn isn’t quite as pissed. 

“She’s good. She mainly wanted to see Chewie, and don’t worry no one other than Maz recognized me. I knew I couldn’t fool her, and I wouldn’t want to.”

”She must have been happy to see her Liana again.” Cassian adds. Jyn smiles, he remembers. 

Kaytoo asks, “Jyn, what base are you on?” 

”Takadona Base.” She replies. She realizes why he is asking and she turns red, though the embarrassed blush remains hidden under the makeup. She glances at Kaleesh. 

Kaleesh catches the look and indignantly says, “I didn’t tell the metal man.” 

“I am not a man. I have been to Wobani, it’s awful. Humans do have flashbacks. I asked a legitimate question to make sure you are not caught in a flash back. Now, how often do you think you’ll be in the brig?” Asks Kaytoo, he doesn’t know what to make of these three.

“Hopefully not often.” Says Jyn.

“We don’t plan to steal ships anymore.” Says a grumpy Kaleesh.

Bistan speaks up, and he makes no promises. He makes some threats though. Jyn rolls her eyes. In Iakaru she tells him, “I’m not repeating any of that.”


	4. Chapter 4

6.5 months after Scarif

Jyn rarely notices how much the way she views her world and how she sees herself has changed. After a night in the mess hall, it gets much worse. 

Jyn’s usual table was raucous. Jyn arrives late after a testing session that Kaleesh and Bistan are still in. Cassian, Bohdi, Kaytoo, Rodma, Pao, Han, Chewbacca, and others are already sitting there. Churrit and Baze are not back from their mission yet. Jyn finds a seat at the end of the table. Jyn is far from Cassian, who is honestly somewhat surrounded. He still tries to draw her into the larger conversation.

Jyn listens, eats, and even smiles a couple times, until she tries to get up to get a drink. That’s when she discovers she’s stuck. Her hip and leg have completely seized up and she can’t go anywhere. She must have looked distressed because Kendo, who was at another full loud table with mostly guys “bro-ing out” is now kneeling right next to her with his face quite close.

Cassian had waved him over. He saw her sudden distress and got Kendo’s attention. He also heads over to Jyn to see if he can help. He doesn’t want to overstep, so he keeps a slight distance, but he’s close enough to hear their quiet conversation.

“You’re stuck aren’t you.” Kendo says quietly, trying to keep the interaction with his patient private.

“No, I, umm, maybe.” She looks at her lap and bites her lip. “I do the exercises - “

He puts his hands up. “I know, I know you work really hard at all this. You’re strong. You’re an excellent patient. I know you do all your exercises and follow our instructions. This isn’t you not trying. Now describe what kind of stuck with as much detail as possible.”

“My hip is like a brick, it won’t move. I can move my knee, but not the top of my leg.” She says quietly.

“Ok. I want to get you up carefully and without doing more damage. It will hurt though. We’re gonna go to the Medbay ok?”

She gives him a pained expression. “Yeah, ok.” Fuck. I’m already awkward and boring, and I have to go be in the Medbay, again. Everyone here is probably better off without me anyway. 

She looks around briefly and Cassian isn’t in his seat. Something tightens around her heart and it hurts.

“ANNI!” Kendo yells and Jyn jumps, then winces. “Sorry.” Kendo adds sheepishly. Then she sees Cassian is nearby watching and waiting. Her face brightens a little, and her heart isn’t as tight. He sends a warm smile her way, it’s beautiful. Gods, I’m so in love with that man.

“What?!? Oh.” Says Anni. “You’re stuck huh.” She adds quietly. Jyn nods yes.

“I don’t want to attract more attention than we already are, but this is gonna get awkward.” Says Kendo, and Jyn’s eyes snap to his. “We’ll block it all from view, but we’ll have to put our hands in your pants.”

“Shit.” Says Jyn. She sees Cassian turn and it appears he is casually blocking her from view. He’s so thoughtful, I love him. Why does he pay attention to me? I suck.

“I’ll put one hand on the outside of your hip, and we’ll roll this pant leg up so I can put the other one on your knee.”

“I’ll have one on the front of your other hip and one on your lower back.” Adds Anni. 

Suddenly, there are 4 hands in her clothes and she’s mortified. The front of her hip means Anni’s hand is also in her pubic hair, and that bothers her because they’re in public. She’s mortified until Kendo moves her. Kendo carefully and methodically moves and twists her knee and hip to unstick them. 

It . . . is . . . excruciating. 

There is no room in her head to be embarrassed. She yelps, then closes her eyes and mouth tight to get some control back. Nothing matters for about a minute, she’s just trying not to pass out.

They get her moving, and their hands out of her clothes. Jyn can’t think properly and won’t look at anyone. She couldn’t focus her eyes well even if she did look at those around her. It vaguely registers that the room is quieter now. Anni holds Jyn’s shirt and pants tight by her lower back for added stability while they walk her out. Jyn’s arms are around their shoulders, and she starts to feel mortified again.

She doesn’t need to be mortified at all, but her mind runs and runs and her thoughts get worse and worse. She doesn’t see Cassian clear up her spot and get her dinner wrapped up so he can bring it too her. She hadn’t only yelped. She turned red, whimpered, had tears falling down her cheeks, and looked like she was in so much pain. He knows her to have a high pain tolerance, so it had to feel terrible. It breaks his heart to see her in so much pain from injuries she received over 6 months ago on Scarif when they did the impossible. The same injuries everyone else already recovered from. 

He’s intercepted on his way to see her though. There is an emergency and he and anyone else who can fly or assist has to go to Maridun immediately. He had planned to bring Jyn food and insist on staying with her or at least nearby. He wants to be at her side for whatever she’s about to go through. She seems so down all the time and all of this while she works hard. He does take a minute to write her a note before flying off to Maridun with the others.

Bistan brings it to her.

Jyn,

I was on my way to see you and I want to stay with you. I hope you are ok.

Emergency over Maridun, all pilots and support have to scramble, will see you when I get back. I wrapped your dinner.

Yours, Cassian

Yours. Yours? Maybe I’m not a burden? Maybe? Some tears escape before she realizes she’s crying.

Soon after Kendo, Anni, and a medical droid give Jyn an updated prognosis. The Med droid delivers the bad news. “Ms. Erso, we can tell you do all the exercises, but it’s clear they are not helping you improve past the point you have reached. I have drawn up orders for you to have surgery on one of the flagships. Adding cybernetic implants and leads on your right side will help you gain more feeling and will aid in improving movement. Some delicate corrective surgery on your lower spine will also be beneficial for regaining movement at this point.”

“So, when do I leave?” 

“There’s a cargo ship you can take to one of the flagships in the morning.” Says the med droid.

Her friends from Rogue One aren’t back from Maridun when she leaves in the morning. Bistan and Kaleesh were even sent to Maridun with the last few pilots, so they are not there either. 

Jyn goes alone. It’s an ordeal, and she goes through it all alone.

Since it isn’t an emergency procedure, since she isn’t on active duty, since she isn’t part of intelligence officially yet, she isn’t a priority for the medical wing on the flagship she’s sent to. They do the procedures 3 days after she arrives, but they don’t get her home right after it’s done. She’s not high priority cargo.

When Cassian, Churrit, Baze, Kaytoo, Rodma, Pao, Bistan, Kaleesh, and Bohdi get back to base, they look for Jyn. They’re told she will be back, but not when she’ll be back or where she is. Kendo, Anni, and the med droid don’t actually know when she’ll be back and they’re not sure which flagship she was sent to. It isn’t a secret, there’s just too much going on to keep track of a non-emergency medical procedure on a technically inactive member. They only know that wherever she is, the med droid’s orders and Jyn were received and accepted.

Jyn doesn’t know anybody in the medical wing, and her willingness to fight for herself disappeared somewhere along the way. The surgery seems to work, but then her body rejects the first round of cybernetic implants. Her body accepts the second round. They run along her thigh and up her right side up to the bottom of her rib cage. Some are above her skin, some under. The surgery on her back goes well. 

Then there’s recovery time. Jyn is essentially non-priority cargo, so they’ll get her back to Takadona when some space is available on a cargo ship. This medical wing really is surgery only, so there’s no PT on board, they only have a recovery printout for her. If she was considered an active member with a current job in the records, they would get her to a place with PT faster. 

Between Jyn being alone without any friends, and not knowing when she can get home (it’s not as if transporting her back to her friends is top priority during an awful war) she spends much too much time in her mind and ends up in a deep acute depression.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features Linkin Parks’ One More Light. It’s mean to be the same one as in our universe.

7.5 months after Scarif 

“Bohdi, come on, let’s go pick up Jyn.” Says Kaytoo. She’s been gone for a month.

“Great! You have orders to get her?” Asks Bohdi.

“Yes.” Replies Kaytoo, but the yes comes after a slight pause. It’s clearly a lie.

“You don’t do you.”

“They forgot to send her back. I talked to the computers, and they were really rude. Well, ok, maybe I was the rude one, that’s not important now. The surgeries happened, and she was discharged 3 weeks ago. She just needs a ride, and they didn’t get her one yet. No one is doing her PT, she’s kept in the medical wing waiting, and she needs me to rescue her.”

“We could just ask to go get her.”

“No. We’ll take this ship. Jyn gave me a blaster and she stopped Baze from shooting me. I miss her. She’s my hero, and I want to be hers. We’ll go get her, now.”

“I don’t want to steal a ship again. Let’s just ask fi - “ 

“Bistan, Kaleesh, it’s time!”

“What?” But they are already tying Bohdi up. Kaytoo, Kaleesh, and Bistan kidnap Bohdi and steal the ship.

Bohdi’s a little angry and very worried about how much trouble they’ll be in . . . until he sees Jyn. The look in her eyes is one he’s seen in the mirror. She just looks lost, there’s no fight in her. He is so angry he doesn’t care about paperwork or orders or hurting anyone’s feelings. He just has to get her out of here, now, and give some medical personnel a piece of his mind for not getting her a fucking ride home. 

“We weren’t told where she was or when she’d be back, and you didn’t have the decency to make sure she got home when she clearly had no one with her!” Bohdi yells.

“There’s a war on and she is non-priority cargo -“

“She is not cargo!” He yells so angrily he wonders if he might explode. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!? She shouldn’t have been here alone through this, no one should.” He looks at her lost face, and he’s enraged. “Just look at her!” Can’t they see it?

“Bohdi, it’s ok, let’s just go.” Says Jyn quietly, her voice noticeably shaky. He realizes angry Bohdi makes her nervous. He’s disheartened by the look in her eyes and freaked out by how she’s trying to shrink away. Is she afraid of me getting after the staff for leaving her here? Me, Bohdi, is scaring Jyn Erso? Shit, how depressed is she? Why didn’t I put this together earlier?

“Yes, let’s go.” Says Kaytoo menacingly. 

“C’mon Jynnie my Jynna.” Says Kaleesh softly to Jyn, a worried look on her face. 

Bistan says nothing out loud. He stares at the staff, and his stare says how dare you. 

When they are back on the commandeered ship, Bistan thinks getting Jyn back into routine activities will help her feel more normal. It helps Jyn feel like she’s in familiar territory. Jyn and Kaleesh seem fine and have no complaints about working on classwork on the ride home. Jyn still feels absolutely awful inside.

Kaytoo is grumbling.

Bohdi is fuming.

. . . 

Kendo and Anni are pissed off as soon as they find out what happened. “They didn’t do any PT with you?” Asks a shocked Anni.

“They couldn’t, they mainly just do surgery in that Medbay. They were really busy.” She doesn’t want them to be angry. She tries on a pleading smile and an upbeat tone. “But, don’t worry, I asked for recovery information and they printed it out for me. I followed it, and I did what you showed me before.”

“Why didn’t they send you back?” Asks Kendo.

“Because, there’s a war on, and I’m non-priority cargo.” She answers quietly. It’s reasonable, isn’t it? I don’t like this, Bohdi’s mad, Kaytoo’s mad, Bistan and Kaleesh are too, but they hide it better, and now Kendo and Anni are mad, why’s everyone mad? I’m back, isn’t that a good thing?

“Well, we’re never sending any PT patients out for surgery unless one of us accompanies them.” Says an angry but resolute Kendo. “It looks like the surgery worked, but your recovery isn’t as far along as it should be because they didn’t give you proper recovery aftercare or physical therapy. Now it’s going to take awhile to get you back into proper walking shape. There’s just no excuse for this! And Jyn, you are not cargo!”

Jyn is heartbroken when he says her recovery isn’t going well because it feels endless and hopeless. She’s still needs a crutch or a cane and moves slower than she wants to and she can’t go on missions until she gets a little better. Most of her friends are in the field without her. She followed all the directions she could get. It’s just another way she’s failed, and more time stuck on a base. 

Anni sees Jyn’s demeanor change before Kendo does. “Hey, it’s ok.” Says Anni in a soft voice. She hugs Jyn. “You’re here, and the surgery worked. It won’t really take long, just a little extra time to finish post surgery PT. You’re ok. We’re all here, and we’re so happy you’re back.” Anni’s expression is warm.

Jyn nods yes, then buries her face in her hands and starts to cry hard. She’s just mentally exhausted. Kendo and Anni snuggle close to her sides, holding her close.

“I’m sorry, it’s ok.” Says Kendo wishing he’d phrased things differently. “It won’t take too long, I overreacted. I’m just a ridiculous drama queen.” He adds making a dramatic goofy face.

They cheer her up a little bit. 

It’s back to PT and back to class. No missions. She feels so useless.

. . . 

Cassian hunts for her as soon as he finds out she’s back on base after he returns from a mission. She’s in the PT room off the Medbay, and he runs in without thinking. “I’m so glad you’re back.” She’s half dressed in only a long shirt and socks while Anni and Kendo check her cybernetic connections. “Oh my god” He covers his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Kaytoo said you could have come home earlier, I . . . I’ll wait outside.” He leaves. He reopens the door a little, but doesn’t look to add, “I missed you a lot,” before closing it again.

He’s still there waiting patiently outside the door when she leaves 40 minutes later. He’s jumpy though, he feels guilty for not figuring out where she was and going to her. 

She’s stunned that he’s still there, that he waited 40 minutes for her.

“Hey,” He hugs her. “I missed you. Kay says you just needed a ride, I had no idea. I’m so sorry, I should have tracked down where you were. I should have come for you. I assumed they were treating you still, not making you wait. I’m sorry about barging in earlier too.”

“No, no, it’s ok. I’m back now. Thank you.” She smiles, happy to be near Cassian. 

“But it’s not ok!” She startles and shrinks when he says that. What happened to her? Where was his fighter? She looks so lost and weary. He’s angry, but not at her. He takes her hand gently and finds them a place to sit. He puts his arm around her shoulder. He speaks softly and carefully so as not to startle her again. “I really am sorry that happened. I just wish I’d been there with you, that you didn’t go through it alone. I’m glad your back. I missed you a lot.” He kisses the top of her head through her hair

She tries to talk, then tries not to cry instead. Why is he so nice to me? He’s important, why waste time on me? She can’t hold back the tears. He hugs her close while she cries. Why am I always crying? I’m so sick of crying! She eventually says, “I missed you too.” She smiles at him then, and it’s weary, but real. 

“A few of us are having a game night, would you like to come? Bohdi will be there too. I have to leave for a short mission in the morning.” He cards his fingers through her hair, carefully tucking her flyaways behind her ears, hoping that a hand carding through her hair feels relaxing. 

“That’s ok. Don’t worry, Bistan and Kaleesh can keep me busy tonight. I’m not, ummm, you don’t have to entertain me. I don’t have to be your burden, you’re wonderful you know.” Says Jyn. She says it quietly and with no bite. She means it, she thinks he’s great and she wants him to live his life. She’s trying to set him free, which by the way, he has never actually asked her to do.

Cassian stiffens and tries to read her expression. His eyes are wide. “Who said you’re a burden?” He’s serious, and angry again. “Tell me, I wanna talk to them.”

Her mind starts to run in circles. Why is he angry, it’s true, he said it with actions, well, did he say it with his actions? Is it all just in my mind? Did I just fuck things up even more? Cassian, Bohdi, Anni, Kaleesh, Bistan, Kendo, and Kaytoo all angry because of what’s happened around me. Put on an angry face Jyn. 

But she doesn’t, she can’t. She continues to look confused and somewhat afraid, her eyes are still red, and her face blotchy. He thinks her eyes are so big and beautiful and at times like this her gaze is so intense, he can’t escape it. Sometimes Cassian thinks he might fall into that gaze and be lost in it forever. Now, he keeps trying to read her expression, and all he can pick up on is increasing fear. He asks again, quietly. “Who said you’re a burden?” Is she protecting someone?

Shit. She starts to turn red and looks down. Shit, shit, shit. His actions said it, didn’t they? She felt like a burden on her friends, was it all in her head? “I’m not making this up.” It’s meant to be a firm statement, but it comes out as a plea.

He gently takes her face in his hand, and guides her to look up at him. He lets his thumb glide across her lips. What is happening in her mind? It doesn’t make sense, and he’s really worried. “Jyn, you’re not a burden. You’re certainly not a burden to me, I love having you in my life. Please, don’t let anyone tell you that you are a burden, ok?” He says it gently, his eyes searching her face the whole time. She’d been mostly alone for a month according to Kaytoo. Maybe he needs to be extra sensitive?

God he feels good. He’s warm, and so close. I want to stay here, with him, like this forever. It’s safe and quiet, but I’m bad. Maybe I can pretend I’m not for a few minutes. Maybe, for now, I can just be here. 

Cassian adds. “How about, you come to game night, and Bistan and Kaleesh can come too? Please don’t be alone tonight. We all really do like you, I love being with you.” 

“Ok.” They stay where they are, and he holds her close for awhile. 

It’s a good game night. When he gets back from his mission, she’s gone down hill more. It’s hard to get her to engage at all.

. . .

8 months after Scarif

It’s a quiet night and there’s music and dancing outside at the edge of the base. Bohdi spends an hour just convincing Jyn to leave her room, and another 40 minutes to get to the area where the music is. 

Cassian, Kaytoo, Churrit, Baze, Pao, Rodma, Bistan, Chewbacca, and Kaleesh are either busy on base or away. Jyn doesn’t know. She doesn’t want to know. She doesn’t want to weigh them down anymore.

“Jyn, come dance with me.” Bohdi tells her. He doesn’t ask this time, he just says it like he expects her to dance. The song he wants is next, and he has a plan.

“Why?”

“Just because. Come on.” She does. It’s a slow pretty kind of ethereal song. It’s a little melancholy too. They dance close. Cassian arrives, but she doesn’t notice. Rodma arrives, she’s doesn’t notice. She doesn’t notice a lot lately. Rodma and Cassian both notice them though because Rodma is in love with Bohdi and Cassian is still in love with Jyn. “Have you heard this song before?” Asks Bohdi.

_Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?_  
_Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore_

“No, but it’s pretty.”

 _Who cares if one more light goes out?_  
_In a sky of a million stars_  
_It flickers, flickers_

Bohdi has an intimate understanding of depression, he speaks again. “It reminds me of when I was younger. For awhile I kept wanting to die, and I thought it wouldn’t really affect anyone if I lived or died.”

 _Who cares when someone's time runs out?_  
_If a moment is all we are_  
_We're quicker, quicker_

He doesn’t say anything. She stares, and she finally says. “But it would. It would affect people Bohdi.”

“I know that now. I didn’t then. My sister, she had to sit me down and explain it to me. She had to tell me I mattered to people, and why I shouldn’t commit suicide.”

 _Who cares if one more light goes out?  
Well I do _

“I wanted to tell you because when I picked you up from the flagship, and sometimes when you think no one’s watching, you look how I looked back then. The look in your eyes is what I saw in my mirror. I need you to know and understand that it would absolutely affect a lot of people if you were gone, including me.”

 _And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair_  
_Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there_  
_If they say_  
_Who cares if one more light goes out?_  
_In a sky of a million stars_  
_It flickers, flickers_

“I wasn’t,” Jyn starts. “I’m not.” But she was, “I wasn’t actually gonna do it.” She finishes quietly. How often had she wished she was dead? How often had she contemplated going to the lake, ODing on something, then letting the lake creatures eat her useless body, no trace of her left, creatures satiated (though hopefully not poisoned)?

“But you think about it.”

“Yeah.”

_Who cares if one more light goes out?  
Well I do _

“I love you Jynnie. Cassian, Baze, and Churrit do too. Rodma and Pao think you’re cool. Kaytoo, Kaleesh, and Bistan kidnapped me and stole a ship for you, so they love you a lot. Chewbacca thinks the world of you too. Can you remember that?”

She nods yes, but tears are starting to spill. She needs to hide and sit somewhere, to be somewhere else. 

“You understand we’d be devastated if you died?” He searches her expression. “You can put your head on my shoulder if you don’t want anyone to see you cry. It’s not bad if people see you cry love.” 

She takes him up on the offer, but it doesn’t hide that she’s crying. She cries harder and Bohdi’s shoulder can’t hide when her whole body is wracked with a sob. She left her crutch behind to dance, but tears are falling down her face and she doesn’t want to go back where everyone is, she does want to leave though. “I gotta go.”

“Please stay.” 

“I don’t want to.”

“I know. Why do you want to be away from us all? You know we really do want you around, and you like us all. What happens in your mind?”

“It hurts, it just hurts. I don’t know why it hurts like this. It just hurts a lot.” She lets go and covers her face. It’s like the tears will never stop. Why is this happening. This doesn’t make sense. I should be happy, not suicidal. I don’t understand!

Bohdi hugs her and holds her close. He doesn’t say anything. 

Cassian doesn’t want to wait anymore, he wants to put his arms around her. He picks up her crutch on the way over to his two friends, but Rodma stops him. She looks so sad. Maybe he missed the signs, and Bohdi and Jyn are actually together? Bohdi will comfort her first from now on?

Bohdi says, “Jyn, I don’t think it’s supposed to make sense.”

“What?”

“Let’s go for a walk.” Bohdi gently takes her arm and leads her away from everyone else. He helps her get into a comfortable sitting position on the ground. They sit on an outcropping overlooking a large lake, Jyn trying to melt into the ground, to stop existing.

Bohdi decides to explain. “Jyn, you’re really depressed.”

“No . . . maybe . . . no, I don’t have a reason to be.” 

“That’s what depression is.”

“What?”

“Depression doesn’t require a reason that feels like it makes sense. That’s the point. It’s a brain structure or chemical problem. It’s more like your brain doesn’t have the paths or chemicals that let you feel ok.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, brains are complicated, sometimes things go wrong. It’s like when you passed out on the way back from Scarif. You had injuries we couldn’t see, and you needed surgery. You couldn’t do the surgery on yourself, you couldn’t just tell yourself to be better either. You didn’t have complete control of the situation. You also wouldn’t say it was your fault that happened, that you couldn’t ‘make’ yourself better. It can be like that with minds, it just feels weird to think about it like that at first. It feels weird at first to think that when something’s off in a body or brain, it can affect our feelings, and be outside of our control.”

“Are you depressed?”

“I am if I’m off my medication.”

“Really? You’re happy now, and off it you’re suicidal and depressed?”

“Pretty much. It’s more like I go from ok and functional, capable of being happy, to deeply depressed, possibly suicidal. So, do you think about suicide often?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you talk to medical about it?” 

“I don’t want to be on suicide watch.”

Fair point. He understands not wanting to be seen as that kind of different. So much stigma comes with mental health issues. “Can you talk to them about the depression, and you can leave out the suicidal part if you want to? They have medications that can help and therapy.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Jyn?” He’s pleading. 

“I said I’ll think about it. I promise I will.” She means it too. “Walk me back to get my crutch?”

“Yeah, ok.”

They walk back, and Jyn doesn’t notice the glum faces on Cassian and Rodma, but Bohdi does. He’s alarmed. Jyn lets go of Bohdi and picks up her crutch, then says, “I’m going to bed.”

“I can walk you.” Adds Bohdi.

“No, you stay, I promise I’ll think about it. And I’ll remember, I’ll remember. Ok?” I won’t commit suicide is what she is conveying to him.

“Ok.” He believes her.

She walks off. Bohdi still doesn’t quite know what to make of Rodma and Cassian’s expressions. “Did I miss something?” He finally asks, definite concern in his voice. 

“Are you and Jyn, ummm, an item?” Asks Rodma, trying to be non-chalant, and not quite pulling it off.

“What? No! No, we’re friends. I just wanted to talk to her about something that came up when Bistan, Kaleesh, Kaytoo, and I found her.”

“While dancing?” Asks Cassian.

“Well . . . Yeah. It fit really well with the song.”

“Ok, what’s going on? She’s so quiet, we can barely get her to hang out, she was crying, and she cries a lot lately which is different. I don’t understand.” Says Cassian. He’s confused, and extremely concerned.

“I think she’s depressed.” He replies quietly.

“Ok, why though?” Asks Rodma.

“There isn’t always a reason, depression doesn’t need one. It’s more like her brain went wonky.” 

“Maybe we can cheer her up, like get her out more - “ Rodma starts to say.

“ - No, she’s depressed. If she could cheer up, she would have already. We can’t really cheer her up. Going out helps, being around people helps, it’s just, depressed is like, pathways in the mind, or chemicals in the mind break or don’t work well. It’s like when she tries to feel ok, her brain short circuits and can’t. She may not be able to feel ok.” 

“Does she have PTSD?” Ask Cassian.

“I don’t think she has to have PTSD to be depressed. Sometimes it just happens. Maybe she has PTSD too, I don’t know. Brains are complicated and we have different ways of handling things. We’ve all had a hard time surviving, but you must’ve have realized she survived much worse things than we have. She was also raised by the man who fed my brain to a monster, that had to be a traumatic upbringing.” Bohdi shudders involuntarily and Rodma takes his hand. The shuddering stops and he looks into her lovely eyes. Rodma’s beautiful.

Cassian decides to lay out how he feels. “Bohdi, I want to help. I love her, I don’t want her have to hurt like this. What can I do?” 

“What kind of love?”

“I love her as a friend . . . and I’m in love with her.”

“Tell her that.”

“I don’t think she likes me like that though, she keeps avoiding me. I fell in love with her long before she was sent to the flagship, and I know she was definitely attracted to me before, I just didn’t know what happens next. I haven’t been in that kind of relationship in a long time. Sometimes I think she’s still attracted to me, but not often. Would it just complicate dealing with depression?” 

“She’s still an adult, and it’s better to treat her like one. I don’t want to make her feel more isolated and disconnected than she already feels. You should tell her.

“Look, I know she thinks she’s weighing us down and that we just tolerate her. I think she thinks she’s doing us a favor by avoiding us. I also think she’s been in love with you since Scarif. Go do something with her instead of bringing her to a group thing.” Bohdi pauses, weighing if he should add that he may have just talked her out of suicide. She made it clear she’s afraid of being on suicide watch or being committed. He decides he won’t say anything about that yet. “She’s still an adult. Just treat her like she’s normal with an injury, and not like a broken person who can’t be a contributing adult.”

“Ok.” Answers Cassian.

Bohdi stares. “Seriously, can you do that? Don’t go ‘help’ if you can’t treat her like a regular person with an injury. You know it’s not your job to fix her right? You can be there, that will help, but you can’t just ‘fix’ her. Do you understand?” 

“Yes. It’s probably chemical or brain structure related, she’s an adult with an injury, be there with her, know fixing her isn’t my job, tell her I’m in love with her.” Says Cassian.

“Yes.” Says Bohdi. “Good.”

“Does she know she’s depressed?” Asks Rodma.

“Yes and no? I think she knows something’s wrong, but I don’t know if she believes it’s actual depression or just life.” Bohdi replies. “I’m trying to get her to go be seen for therapy and to try medication, I can’t force her to go though. I don’t think forcing her would help right now.”

“How do you know so much about this?” Asks Rodma.

His eyes suddenly flick to hers again to meet her gaze with his own very intense one. He wonders if Rodma is always this observant with everyone, or if she watches him more than most. He also wonders if she’ll treat him differently if he tells her. He really likes her, he might love her. “I take medication and go to therapy. My brain has its own short circuits. It’s not quite the same as Jyn, but there are enough similarities that I recognize it in her.” He answers in a resigned tone. There’s just so much stigma surrounding this kind of thing that he rarely tells anyone about it. 

Rodma finds it exhilarating and unsettling when Bohdi’s intense gaze is on her. His eyes are so large, alert, and gorgeous. She loves him. She understands that it was hard for him to open up, so she says, “Thank you Bohdi, for talking to her, and explaining it all to us.” 

“Yeah, thank you.” Adds Cassian.

Bohdi won’t meet either of their gazes now. “Will you still treat me like an adult?” He asks quietly. 

They both see the fear of rejection, of being seen as a different kind of other. “God Bohdi, yes. Of course. You are an adult.” Says Rodma.

“Yeah, we won’t treat you differently.” Says Cassian.

Now Bohdi looks up again, and he looks a little shy, but mostly better. “Wanna dance?” Asks Rodma with a cute half smile. He definitely wants to dance with Rodma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend had to take me out and explain that I would be missed by more than just my sibling if I committed suicide, that other people would be really hurt, including him. Looking back, it seems like an odd thing to not have understood, but I really didn’t. Depressed brain is often ok an illogical brain.


End file.
